i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize