I like my sex mixed with concussions.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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