Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
it hurts more in the daytime
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
