Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm both gender and math confused
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
