in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
