At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
