i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
