There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Randomize
