I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize