Ambien. No doubt about it.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
