Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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