I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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