I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
nutella sex= disaster
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Randomize
