After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
