Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
