So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Randomize
