I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize