I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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