You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
