I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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