i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
