I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
