Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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