alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
