Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
