How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize