I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
