its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
