My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
