I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
