We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
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