Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Randomize
