You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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