My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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