New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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