It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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