well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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