I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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