I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
