he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
