I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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