If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
His hands were made for my vagina.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
