you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
