Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
