shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
