You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
