I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
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