Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
