She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
