things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
In America we eat man semen.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize