i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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