I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
