Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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