I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
