Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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