You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
ok first of all what the fuck
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
