Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
