Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
