My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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