i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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