why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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