my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
