bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
