She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
