i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Lo siento on account of my penis...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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