What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
soo... how was my night?
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