oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
