i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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