biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
