In America we eat man semen.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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