I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
