I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
