Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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