Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
