Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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